Recovery Stuff

Wow, it’s been awhile since I’ve blogged. I miss this little blog. I’ve been so busy with my little projects with eating disorders to distract myself from using symptoms that I haven’t actually blogged about MY eating disorder. You know…I’ve becoming somewhat of a activist. Is that the correct word? An eating disorders advocate. THAT’s the correct word, lol. There’s so many good websites and blogs and twitters and support groups and recovery stuff out there. I feel like I’m contributing to society at least. I may not have a “job” but I am contributing which helps out with my issues. I think this is just the normal process in recovery though. At the very least, I’d rather be doing stuff ABOUT eating disorders than HAVE the eating disorder.
I’m actually doing really good. Ever since I started writing letters to my body and to ED, I have been quite happy. I’ve been eating *okay, PERFECTLY. Exercising while trying to train for my first 5k. I have to attribute the chipperness to finding some type of peace with my body. NOW, don’t get me wrong..I’m frustrated as HELL at my body for not responding the way I want it to but I’m also trying to be patient with my body showing me that if I take good care of me, then it will respond in a postive way (Okay, that means losing weight). I’m a little frustrated that I have barely lost anything, yet I’ve done so well with intake and output. Trying not to JUDGE me or my body. Trying to be PATIENT. Trying to LOVE myself (hey, supriseningly this is working! I don’t love myself yet and I’ve moved away from hating myself, so that leaves me somewhere in the middle).

Hi. It’s been awhile since I’ve been on here. I’m doing a few other little projects that is keeping me feel like I am busy. Don’t forget important. That’s what I’ve been lacking ever since I quit working. So, to feel important, I do these projects that I make seem really important. They might help others out a little here and there but really it isn’t too important. Anyways, I was reading up a bit on non purging type of bulimia (which is the latest I’m diagnosed with. I’d say that’s an accurate diagnosis). I found this blog which was pretty good. Here’s the info if you want to look at it and read up http://stillhopingstilleating.blogspot.com/2008/04/non-purging-bulimia.html
Things have been going really good. I’m still blogging at my dearbody blog. That’s REALLY helped me out. It’s actually amazing that my recovery is moving FAST right now. All of a sudden it just took off. It’s wierd…it’s nice….it’s freeing….and it feels good. That’s happening at the same time I am in the beginning of trying to train for a 5k. Hell, I walk faster than I jog…but once again, I am trying to do something that makes me feel important. That’s the theme I guess.

This is my next “project” I’m doing to kill time….making a directory for all things eating disordered. I’m finding some massive great FB groups/pages and blogs/websites. So much good info out there but nothing that I’ve found that has all the info in one place. Well, I think EDReferral is the closest…but there aren’t people’s blogs, etc. I’m hoping the ED community pitches in and lists in the directory so all of those who want this resource can have it. Anyways, please check it out. Here’s the “listing” I put out there on facebook about the directory:

For a eating disorder directory of all websites, facebook pages and groups, twitter, and blogs please go to: http://everythinged.wordpress.com/. If you would like to be included in the directory, please email: everythingED@comcast.net. Include a short description. Please consider posting this information on your wall to spread the news! Let’s pull all our our wonderful ED recovery information together and put it all in one place so those needing information can have it.

So, if any of you bloggers want to add your site, please do so!

I’ve been crying. I (my body) just wrote a very sad letter to me. Go read it at: www.dearbodyletters.blogspot.com. I’m exhausted from the tears. I think I’m going to go curl up on the couch and watch the Hills season 2. I already dealt with the tears by eating….I definetly don’t want to eat more just to cope with feeling so sad……I think I just need some good sleep too. Good night.

I ate too much at dinnertime and my stomach actually hurts. I am so tired that I don’t really care.

I am reading Jenni Schaefer’s “goodbye ed, hello me” STILL. (I know) and just got to an assignment. I may have to do some of this now and then come back to it later because I’m rushed for time (kinda). Actually, I am being filmed in a documentary today. A smoking documentary. It’s been 7 years in October since I last smoked. Anywho…long story how this all took place, but they are coming to film today and I have to still clean a tad. They’ll be here at 10. You’d think I’d be a little nervous, but I’m not. I’m thinking of this like an adventure. Whatever. It’s my little fun I am having in my little humdrum life.

Okay…back to the assignment.  I need to make 2 lists. 1.) How i have NOT owned my life up to Age 40.  2.)How I HAVE owned my life up to the age of 40……….hmmmm, guess I can’t believe I am 40. That just seems odd. Lord knows I don’t act 40. Wait….I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. Anyways,…..

1.) How I have not owned my life up to the age of 40. – 1. I have gotten no where in a career which makes me feel like a loser. Excpecially now that I am on disability the self esteem department has been hit hard. I could go on forever about the job thing…..but I won’t. I don’t need to figure anything out about it other than I really couldn’t hold down a job right now anyways. Steve knows it too. Yes, I’m slighty embarassed. Loser. Okay, enough of judgement on myself. I’m harsh.  2. I haven’t (oooh, this is somewhat eating disordered) been able to maintain a “good” weight. Either always too skinny or too chuncky like I am now. The only time I really did okay with that was after I lost all the baby weight from madison in record time, I could breathe easy and not worry about it. For a good year I was on the thin side but I maintained it while eating intuitively. That was nice. That’s pretty much my goal here. Except I don’t feel the need to be on the “too thin side”…just quite abit different than I am now. Okay….that was totally eating disordered. Sorry…it’s just “in” me to talk like that. 3. That I have never felt “strong” physically. To me, that equals health. I guess I haven’t been healthy in all these years. I’m sure there’s more but I might come back to it.

2.) How I have owned my life up to the age of 40. – 1. I am happily married. 2. I have the baby I so desperately wanted:) 3. I married someone who is an excellent father to my child. 4. I made some big decisions like moving out to Pennsylvania. Maybe not the wisest but I took some risks/chances. 5. I recovered from my year of hell (divorce, dad dying, apartment fire, losing my job….hmmm, what else happened that year?). Yes, it took me over 2 years to function in society again, but I am living proof that you can recover from horrible things. 6. I quit drinking for 8 years now. 7. I quit smoking for 7 years now. 8. I have TRIED to recover from my ED by going inpatient 2 times (but who’s counting?) 9. I am in love and some never get to experience that. 10. I have been on enough trips to make me feel satisfied. Of course, I’m not done taking trips….. HMMMM, there’s more. Oh, I bought my own place although that was short lived. I started a small business which I am glad is done with. OH….AND I’m in a documentary that will be aired September 2010.

Wow…I guess I have done alot to feel good about. I need to go over my list that I didn’t achieve and see what I can do about those. I’ll write more on that later.

I better start getting ready before the camera crew comes. Eeeks.

You can read my new blog (DEAR BODY) which is also on facebook too at: FB FANPAGE. Stop by and become a fan. PRETTY PLEASE? I’m not going to explain it on this blog, but I’m doing an experiment that I KNOW will cause me to recover from this fucking eating disorder that I have decided needs to go. NOW. Anyways…I’ve just coined the phrase radical recovery. I guess that’s what I need….I’m kind of doing it anonymously, which is funny because I’m telling you guys on here about it. But maybe some facebook people will read it and it’ll be anonymous to them. I really want to hear if people have written letters to themselves and their bodies and how it effected them. Anyways…go read!

Jeepers….I’ve gone to xanga yesterday and today to get thinspo inspirations. Stupid, stupid, stupid….really stupid. I wrote Dirk an email and told him what I was doing so I’d quit it. It helped. I just couldn’t fricken help it. I ended up going to the website my calorie counter on my “my touch” phone application is from and joined some challenges and support (yes, healthy…NOT xanga material). That helped me out quite a bit.

Other than that, I am really motivated to lose weight. Actually what I am is motivated to run my 5k that I am scared shitless to run. But it’s a goal and although I am very afraid that I am going to fail, I am also excited about it at the same time. I just can’t let the stupid weight loss get in the way. I NEED to eat balanced meals so I have the energy to exercise. Which reminds me that I really should go to bed. It’s 4 in the morning and I can’t sleep. I should try though. It’s been a long time since I’ve done this staying up late thing so I am not too worried as long as it doesn’t turn into a pattern for me. Once in awhile is okay with me. I actually like it cuz I get some fun computer stuff done.

On Thursday the film crew for the smoking documentary will be here. I’m not really nervous but I don’t want to see myself looking really fat on tv. I know what I am going to wear and stuff (not a big deal) so at least I have that figured out. Go figure it’s a turtleneck with a sweater. It’s the most comfortable items of clothing that I have. Definitely not anything major. I’m sure anyone who sees this will just laugh because that is so me to wear a turtleneck. I just have to be comfortable. I hope I do okay with the interview(s). They’ll do 3 of them a few months apart. Yea…time for me to lose weight. I’ll have to blog about it afterwards. I am hoping to gain some recovery out of doing it. Maybe seeing or doing something that makes me feel different. I had a good “feel different” moment with me and Tyler running to Target today. We actually talked about stuff that matters. It was nice. It’s nice to know my stepson likes me. And me vice-versa, which is a given. I let him know that he’s welcome to move back in with us after college gets done next year. That would be cool in a nice way for our family to be intact like that again. But he may move in with his mother…who knows. It was just a nice talk that we had and I really appreciate him and love him. He’s a good kid:)

Damn…I doubt that I am going to go to sleep.

Okay….new year, new life. I have high hopes for this new decade. High hopes, I’m telling you. I signed up for my first 5k. Scary. Today I trained for it. Scary. I’m just scared that I’ll give up and fail. I’m going to face that fear and try with all my heart to do this cuz I really want to. My new years resolution is not to restrict and not to overeat. I fucked up last night though and ate in the middle of the night. That really hasn’t happened too often much anymore. Of course because I set a resolution the day before, I ended up doing just that. Oh well….it wasn’t horrible. Just enough to say I fucked up though. New day today…still considering that I am on track. I feel like my depression has lifted majorally. Thank God.

Well, this has been about 2 weeks of pure depression…sleeping all the time, not caring if I’m eating or eating too much….just major depression. Steve and I went and talked to Dirk yesterday. We’re having “issues”. Not really anything too major but it sure helped us to talk about our crap. Mostly me, not cleaning and stuff. I know….if he wants it clean, he can clean it himself. Except for the part that I agree with him on it. ha. But as Dirk said, he needs to build a base of *love* so he can criticize. He said it perfectly. Steve needs to get better with building that base. It was nice to go and talk with out it being “our marraige is in trouble” but rather there are normal issues going on in our marraige/life that needs to be talked about. I am really trying though to step it up a bit. I love Steve and I want to make him happy. Hopefully, he’ll step it up to and then we will both be happier. There’s always room for happier, isn’t there?

My depression is really bad. I feel like I have this rubber binder holding me back and I can’t do anything. I am forcing myself today to do some normal things like go to the store, maybe go see a friend for coffee…ANYTHING other than sleep. I’ve already taken a shower which is a major defeat already. AND gave Madison a tubbies this morning which is more than I can even say what a big deal that is. Actually, this is pretty damn sad if you ask me. Depression is NOT good to go through. The thing is, I am not even sad. Well, sad in the aspect that something is wrong in my life. My weight is about the most wrong thing in my life and even that could be worse *thank God it isn’t, but it could be worse. I wonder what I weigh? I can’t even bare the thought of it right now. It could pull me into a place I don’t even want to go to. I guess I am there right now so it couldn’t get much worse. But still….I don’t care to know right now. I need to start the gym again. Maybe next week I’ll force myself to do it. I want to do a 5k or something which is ricidilous to even think of myself doing right now cuz of the depression but I need something to work towards or for. I need to do it for myself and get my ass off the ground and have a goal. That’s a good attainable goal to have. I’ll have to look more into it and sign up for something. Oh…did I tell you that I am going to be in a smoking documentary? Funny, huh? I better pull myself out of the dolldrums before they start filming next week. Shit, that means the house will have to be really clean. That almost gave me a mini panic attack thinking about it. God, I have issues.