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I am reading Jenni Schaefer’s “goodbye ed, hello me” STILL. (I know) and just got to an assignment. I may have to do some of this now and then come back to it later because I’m rushed for time (kinda). Actually, I am being filmed in a documentary today. A smoking documentary. It’s been 7 years in October since I last smoked. Anywho…long story how this all took place, but they are coming to film today and I have to still clean a tad. They’ll be here at 10. You’d think I’d be a little nervous, but I’m not. I’m thinking of this like an adventure. Whatever. It’s my little fun I am having in my little humdrum life.
Okay…back to the assignment. I need to make 2 lists. 1.) How i have NOT owned my life up to Age 40. 2.)How I HAVE owned my life up to the age of 40……….hmmmm, guess I can’t believe I am 40. That just seems odd. Lord knows I don’t act 40. Wait….I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. Anyways,…..
1.) How I have not owned my life up to the age of 40. – 1. I have gotten no where in a career which makes me feel like a loser. Excpecially now that I am on disability the self esteem department has been hit hard. I could go on forever about the job thing…..but I won’t. I don’t need to figure anything out about it other than I really couldn’t hold down a job right now anyways. Steve knows it too. Yes, I’m slighty embarassed. Loser. Okay, enough of judgement on myself. I’m harsh. 2. I haven’t (oooh, this is somewhat eating disordered) been able to maintain a “good” weight. Either always too skinny or too chuncky like I am now. The only time I really did okay with that was after I lost all the baby weight from madison in record time, I could breathe easy and not worry about it. For a good year I was on the thin side but I maintained it while eating intuitively. That was nice. That’s pretty much my goal here. Except I don’t feel the need to be on the “too thin side”…just quite abit different than I am now. Okay….that was totally eating disordered. Sorry…it’s just “in” me to talk like that. 3. That I have never felt “strong” physically. To me, that equals health. I guess I haven’t been healthy in all these years. I’m sure there’s more but I might come back to it.
2.) How I have owned my life up to the age of 40. – 1. I am happily married. 2. I have the baby I so desperately wanted:) 3. I married someone who is an excellent father to my child. 4. I made some big decisions like moving out to Pennsylvania. Maybe not the wisest but I took some risks/chances. 5. I recovered from my year of hell (divorce, dad dying, apartment fire, losing my job….hmmm, what else happened that year?). Yes, it took me over 2 years to function in society again, but I am living proof that you can recover from horrible things. 6. I quit drinking for 8 years now. 7. I quit smoking for 7 years now. 8. I have TRIED to recover from my ED by going inpatient 2 times (but who’s counting?) 9. I am in love and some never get to experience that. 10. I have been on enough trips to make me feel satisfied. Of course, I’m not done taking trips….. HMMMM, there’s more. Oh, I bought my own place although that was short lived. I started a small business which I am glad is done with. OH….AND I’m in a documentary that will be aired September 2010.
Wow…I guess I have done alot to feel good about. I need to go over my list that I didn’t achieve and see what I can do about those. I’ll write more on that later.
I better start getting ready before the camera crew comes. Eeeks.
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